My good friends Lara Wellman and Rowan Jette Knox have launched an excellent new podcast called Unboxing It, where they discuss some of the societal ideas and expectations that stop many of us from living our most authentic lives. They’ve covered how hard it is for some of us to say no and to ask for help, they’ve talked about perfectionism and people pleasing and societal biases against fatness, and each time I listen, I find myself nodding along, able to see myself to greater and lesser degrees. And I always come away with something to think about.
On their most recent podcast, Lara and Rowan talk about dealing with unexpected change. They compared and contrasted how unexpected change makes them feel; Lara embraces it as a new adventure, while it makes Rowan anxious. Myself, I see both perspectives. A creature of habits and routines that border on rituals, I can get very anxious when pulled too far away from them for too long. But when I look back over my life, all my favourite outcomes have been a result of impulsive leaps and unexpected plot twists. I don’t necessarily like change, but I’m beginning to appreciate that it’s generally a force for good in my life.
As I listened to their discussion, I couldn’t help but think of the only card I actively avoid in the tarot deck, the one that makes me flinch even when I just lay my eyes on it: the Tower card. Possibly the “scariest” tarot card in the deck, the Tower card signals unwanted (and often catastrophic) change. Even though I’ve been practicing tarot for quite a few years now, I’ve only pulled the Tower card a few times for myself. The most memorable time was my “card of the day” for March 12, 2020. You might remember that’s the day they started closing schools and borders and businesses for the Corona virus pandemic – a Tower card day if there ever was one.
If you’re not familiar with the tarot deck, the Tower card is one of the major arcana. The Tower signifies the moment when the foundation cracks, the dam breaks, the storm is unleashed, and all hell breaks loose. Pick your metaphor, but what it represents is the moment when everything falls apart, and one is subjected to the most turbulent sort of unexpected and unwanted change. The lightning bolt symbolizes a flash of clarity that illuminates what was unseen, but also sets in motion the forces of upheaval and chaos.
The Tower card isn’t all chaos and devastation, though it is definitely a pivot point. The Tower falls because it was not built on a firm foundation, so its collapse gives us the opportunity to rebuild it, better and stronger with the lessons we’ve learned in this cycle of our lives. In the process of dealing with this change, we let go of what no longer serves us so we can make room for new growth – not unlike pruning a garden or decluttering a closet. It only becomes catastrophic when we resist – the discomfort is not in the change itself, but our reaction to it.
I found this particular episode of Unboxing It very much like a therapy session, in that I came away with a few significant breakthroughs in understanding myself and my feelings about change – and the Tower card. For example Rowan, who is embarking on an excellent new adventure by opening a queer-friendly coffee shop with his partner, talked about how being isolated and bullied in childhood affected how he feels about community.
Rowan said, “I spent a lot of time when I was younger, feeling very isolated. I didn’t have a lot of friends. I certainly didn’t have friends at school. And, ever since I’ve wanted to not only not feel alone, but make sure that other people don’t feel alone in my presence. I want everybody to feel welcome and safe and seen and accepted, and that is sort of the gift of all those things that happened before, because now I can bring them in to this space that I’m creating.” That was a huge aha moment for me – me too, Rowan! So many things I’ve done in adulthood, and especially in the last decade or two, have been themed around community building, and it makes so much sense to me (so much that it’s sort of embarrassing that I’m only noticing it now!) that I have been building for myself and others the socially safe and welcoming and inclusive space that I yearned for as a child who was bullied and ostracized in elementary school. The scariest aspect of the Tower card, for me, are when those in that community, or my sense of protection from that community, is threatened.
Lara, whom I might add is someone I often feel like I’m sharing a creative and overstimulated brain, offered three nuggets of advice about dealing with unexpected change that were so powerful that I wanted to highlight them and package them up. Lara and Rowan might be Unboxing It, but I’m putting this advice in a glass box with a hammer and a big red sign that says “Tower Card Survival Kit, open in case of catastrophic change.”
First, Lara said (and I’m madly paraphrasing here) when faced with unexpected or catastrophic change, it’s okay to feel your feelings. When things go south, it’s okay to feel grief or fear or anxiety — or even excitement. Lara says, “Feelings are not a bad thing, and I think that that’s where so much of this comes from. Like, it’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to be uncomfortable. It’s okay to be sad. And so if the sudden thing happens to you and all of those feelings are there, that’s not because you are weak. It’s not because you’ve done something wrong. […] I think it’s harder when we […] haven’t given ourselves permission to feel our feelings. Then on top of everything else we’re going through, we are now beating ourselves up for not being strong and capable and the kind of person who can deal with these things.” Whatever they are, your reactions and feelings are real and legitimate. Acknowledge them, feel them, but don’t let them derail you.
Second, noted Lara, this is a time to rely on your community. Don’t be afraid to reach out, to ask for help, to share, to be vulnerable. Lara and Rowan reminded us in an earlier podcast that asking for help does not make us weak, and that often the people in our lives will jump at the chance to help out when you need it, in ways big and small.
For me, though, the third piece of advice is the one that most resonated with me – the idea of mindset, and how that will affect how you react to change. I think I am a generally anxious person, and I worry way too much. I often resent unwelcome change that upsets the comforting ritual of my daily routines. But I have an adrenaline-junkie’s reaction to the roller coaster that is significant life change: even though it can be scary, I love to leap because my optimism assures me that it will all work out in the end. Mostly. I still worry a lot, but I also seem to thrive on change. Even when things have spiralled completely out of control and the outlook is bleak, I know I can get through whatever it is. And sometimes knowing that fact is what brings me through to the other side.
So I’m trying to reframe my fear of the Tower card, because I know I have the tools in my toolbox to manage whatever unexpected plot twists it might bring. I’ll try to remember that when the Tower card appears in your life, it’s helpful to reframe the upheaval as something that’s happening FOR you, not to you. Rather than panicking, I’ll try to allow the situation to play out, and remember that while the pain won’t last, the benefits of this period of discomfort will be long term. One of my favourite readings of the Tower card is that you don’t always have a line of sight on the best path for you, so the Universe steps in and intervenes, in its usual overly dramatic way, to give you the nudge or shove you need — right off the edge of that cliff.
I mean, a novel or a play without plot twists would be pretty boring, right? So next time the Tower comes up, I’ll try to spend less time being anxious about what might happen, and spend more time being grateful for what I have and what’s coming my way. While I may never quite learn to love the Tower card, maybe I can learn to appreciate it. Thanks Lara and Rowan!
Credit: The Tower Card as shown above is from Madam Clara’s Midcenturian Tarot Deck. I have the creator’s permission to use it in my social media and blog posts.
I love this so much – first my ego loves that you enjoyed the episode so much, but also how it helped you view something differently! Thank you so much for sharing all of this with the world!